Welcome to Module #4!
Family Talk
Families, most of us have one in
one form or another. In the 21st
century, we have many newer types of family compared to the old days of the Mom
and Dad with 2.5 kids. (Always wondered about that .5 kid?) We have step-families, full families, blended families,
single parent families, grandparent families, and foster families. I am sure
there are other definitions than the one’s listed here, but you get my drift.
Some people see their closest friends as family too!
There are so many different versions of families in our country, but
the bottom line is that we love and care for one another through thick and
thin. We may fight the worse with family members, but love them the deepest
while protecting them the most. We feel protective in the sense of our anger
and fighting, but we won’t allow anyone else treat our loved ones this way.
Every intimate relationship will have some form of conflict at one
time or another. This is inevitable when we become really close to someone.
“Families, however, view and handle conflict in different ways” (Cox,
2006). Some families enjoy conflict and it is the
cornerstone of their relationships. Others use it constructively, and the rest
see it as a necessary evil of the family dynamics.
Conflict happens in all relationships and what creates the
differences in long lasting ones is how the people involved deal with conflict.
If we try to avoid it and never deal with it resentment builds and people drift
apart. Successful marriages and family members use it to improve their
relationships.
“Tolerance for conflict allows
for overt disagreement and acknowledgment of differences. The best predictor
of marital success is not the absence of conflict, but its management, that is
how differences are handled and resolved” (Cox, 2006).
If someone cannot work through a conflict than it is almost
impossible to resolve a problem.
There are five types of couple and family interactions that predict
the failure of the relationships. Be honest and critic yourself and words here.
If you find yourself on this list, today can be your NEW day of change.
1. Contempt – telling someone they are inferior or undesirable
2. Criticism – Making disapproving remarks about a loved one.
3. Defensiveness – not listening, but defends oneself against an
attack
4. Stonewalling- Refusing to listen at all
5. Belligerence – challenging someone’s power and authority. (Cox,
2006)
All families have experienced
conflict at some time or another. This isn’t the predictor of a bad
relationship. It’s how you deal with it
when it arises. In society, we have so many myths that are flying around
about how to deal with them or the judgment of having them at all means it is a
toxic relationship. Not true! Another
one is the need to avoid conflict or stress at all costs. This is our Mother’s
old school of sweeping it under the rug. Eventually, that rug will have one hell of a speed bump from everyday life
swept under it. Which means someone will trip eventually.
We have talked about some fantastic verbal skills during the course
that will help you in these tough moments. However, it is also very cool to walk away and discuss later
when you are feeling better. Find the resolution!
Example: “I can feel this is
becoming heated at the moment and I need to walk away for a bit. Would it be ok
to discuss this later with you?”
Then make sure you go back and resolve it.
Then make sure you go back and resolve it.
All too often power struggles come into play and people do not want
to ‘back down’. I promise you the above suggestion is being the bigger person
and allowing your adult side to come out. This is not backing down. Yes, this
happens more often with men and I found an interesting fact below to help you
understand a bit more about the differences between men and women.
“One problem with comparing
males and females is that they seem to get their self-esteem in different ways
– males by taking agentic (action) orientation and females by a communal
(social) orientation”
(Franken, 2007).
The same question arises when our emotions are
on over drive and the same answer is in our reach. “Me” is the place to start
each time; it does not start with anything outside of our selves. For many
people they do not realize they should look at themselves, especially if the
others persons words or actions were completely appalling.
Growth will not
happen here, and you will walk away giving this person some of your much needed
energy. Owning
our part is much more empowering and soul strengthening than it may seem. Once
you start this ownership of self, the positive momentum of life is in high
speed. Again, it is not what you say, but how
you say it that will make the difference in your conversations being heard
and taken in by them.
In addition, “timing”….
****
Timing – Is choosing the best time to ask a
difficult question, interject, or offer an alternative time and place to
resolve this. Talking before its time can cause many repercussions, remember we
are leaving ‘right or wrong’ in
another stadium. A person must feel better so they can hear your words, so
timing is utmost important.
****
Often, what is the difficult problem is by doing walking away; it
makes it ok what the other person did. This is not true, of course. However, to learn and continue to grow we must “own” our part.
Body
Language
Have you ever been talking to someone who has their arms crossed
strongly and tight faced, while they are stating they are FINE! Well, they are fooling no one. If we are to become good listeners
this also brings into play body language of the person we are speaking. People
in good relationships tend to read body language just as much as listening to
verbal communication.
“Emotions are
reflected throughout out body” (Cox, 2006). The closer we are to a person relationship
wise, the better we can read their body language and learn over time how they
bodily communicate. However, body language isn’t as the best avenue solely for
communication, verbal is still the best process while taking this into the
dynamics.
I tend to talk with my hands a lot and my family knows
this of me. It has been a joke that I couldn’t talk if I had my hands behind my
back. Hmmm.. …I do think they are right. I have noticed of myself that when I hear something I
don’t want to, I pretend or do cover my ears or eyes. When I am nervous I speak
much faster than normal and possibley a higher pitch. (Which can be pretty fast
since this is my normal pace to begin with).
When speaking on a touchy subject
with a family member, I notice the other persons eyes darting around avoiding
eye contact. This can be simply a sign of their nervousness too. I use to be
like this too until I was aware of it…A serious conversation needs your full
attention and the other person will think you are not taking it serious if you
don’t make eye contact.
These examples could go on for pages and we all have
our own family dynamics to understand. “Besides
facial and bodily expressions and spatial considerations, nonverbal
vocaliztions such as sighs and even how one dresses give communication clues to
others” (Cox, 2006).
During your
assignments this week, you will be sitting back and thinking about your family
dynamics and their body language and habits. In addition, your own!
The
bottom-line is we are only responsible for ourselves and the understanding of others. The more we
mature and live in our adult life we need to continually learn healthier and
adult habits to incorporate into our lives. I give you a great big kudos for
taking this course and wanting to learn more about communication and
relationships. This shows you are growing and aiming for the healthiest
relationships possible! Good for you!
When encountering a dispute with family, our manners
sometimes go out the window and we do not ‘fight fair’. You must realize those
days of our childhood are over and this is an adult world. You have learned and
practice some strong skills to reach for now with family and start using them
BEFORE conflict arises. However, when the communication becomes heated, you
will be ready to step up and take new steps for conflict resolution with your
family members.
You are
not selfish when you are doing what you wish to do. Being selfish is when you expect others to do what you wish to
do…
__________________________
Life Skill for all:
“Our excuses are our blocks”
_________
Your Last Module…
Module #4
Food for Thought & Activation
You will use the
thought process we have taught you here and activate your skills, knowledge,
and more.......
Grab that blank journal and start writing...........
- What type of family were you raised in? As an adult how has your conflict resolution habits changed if at all? What would you like to change about them starting today?
- Name 5 body language habits of yourself. Name 5 more body language habits of family members.. Give the action and the perceived feeling behind it.
- A past family dispute: Think back to a time where you wish you had handled one better and use your new skills to practice and redo it. Give an example of owning your part of a family dispute and the timing of the resolution. Also, the words you wished you would have used.
Module #4 Simulation
Take out your
blank journal and activate what you have
learned with these questions.
- Write about your family dynamics whether it is your marriage and children family or the one you were raised with. Either one or both, talk about how things were handled and what you were taught. What would you like to change inside of you and make a plan on how to do this?
2. Write
a scenario of a conflict with someone in your family from the past and write
this out using your new communication skills. You can choose the person whether brother,
sister, father, or mother. Redo how you handled this conversation.
- Time to role-play #2. Yes, you will be doing this aloud as it is the best way to understand the feel of working through an issue with a family member. I will give you two options for this role-play. Role-play with a friend to practice talking this through aloud and give the friend the directions in #2, so they may give you different responses.
a.
Record it using FreeConferenceCall.com
and listen to the play back
b.
Or Simply
Role-Play with your friend
- Listen to the play back of this role – play and answer the following questions on paper at length.
a.
What did I do well?
b.
What do I need work on?
c.
What could have I said better?
d.
What surprised me about this conversation?
e.
Am I ready to have this difficult conversation?
Whewww… you have done faaaantastic through this intensive crash course on communication
skills. Staying with this through the end shows the strength you will apply to
all your relationships in life and the quality of them will show for this.
Congrats on taking your time and effort in
Mastering these communication skills. These are the strong foundation of communication
you have learned in this course and I challenge you to keep learning on your
own.
Feel free to join us in our online forums on many topics of life and love! Lastly, we have a growing library of On Demand Workshops, so come back often.
Congrats on becoming a Master Communicator!
Hope & Peace,
Merna
Super Success Coach & Trainer
Director of Pocket of Pearls.com
Resources
Cox, F. D. (2006). Human
Intimacy: Marriage, the Family, and its Meaning. New York: Thomson.
Franken, R. E. (2007). Human
Motivation. New York: Thomson.
