Welcome to Module #3!
Intimate Talk
Do you ever wonder if your significant other
ever really listens to you? Or if they really know you? You wouldn’t be
alone here what so ever! Do you ever
wonder if your partner was born here on earth with you? Have you been tempted
to check if his or her ears are pointed like Mr. Spock and you need to learn
Vulcan?
Well, these
are common questions and Yes, there
are differences, but the similarities outweigh the differences so this is the good news. However, the more we know
about intimate communication skills the more freeing our emotions are in a personal relationship. The freedom of
learning how to see and hear what
your partner IS saying, vs. what you
fear they are not saying. This is the
gift and the only way to strengthen long-term relationships. If we don’t, hurt
feelings turn into deep resentment and people drift apart.
“Deborah Tannen
and other sociolinguists suggest that some of the misunderstandings between men
and women arise because of differences in communication styles, just as there
are culture differences” (Cox, 2006).
Men and
women grow up in the same world, yet judging each other with their own personal
communication standards. However, many a conversations end with a man wanting the
other to ‘get to the point’. Quite simply because female speech is much more
detailed in words, not wrong, just uniquely different in communication.
Understanding and studying these differences are still debated in the world
with many people not believing such differences. There are studies after study
proving the differences between men and women, including the study of
Psychology.
Why
wouldn’t we want to keep it simple and not fight about differences? Some people
‘hear’ the differences meaning that women are the weaker sex, and men are the
stronger of the two. I promise you this is not
true, but rather society teaching us this score keeping over the decades.
There is much to learn about the gender differences, but we will focus on key
points here in communication to get you started. I still remember when I fully
understood this and how much my world changed in understanding others. It helps
a person stop taking things so personally, and listen to what people ARE
saying!
Truly amazing!
The Secret to Men and Women
In
relationships, women focus on making connections and intimacy while the man
focuses on independence and status, conflicts, and misunderstandings are bound
to happen. “Women, in general, expect decisions to be discussed first and to be
made by consensus. They appreciate discussion itself as evidence of involvement
and caring” (Cox, 2006). However, men feel
oppressed by long conversations and would rather get to the black and white of
the conversation. This is how they work and it is not a man ignoring their
woman.
Women
need reassurance, while men need approval. Women use many more words to
converse and talk things through. Men
on the other hand, use few words and one-word answers. This is not wrong, only
instinctively different. Once you learn these differences, it can help you with
your relationships with individual clients and their needs. Often, as women we
feel the less words they are spoken directly correlates to how much they care
about us and this is faaaar from true.
Understanding this difference is one piece of this freedom I have been talking
about. Each person will start understanding more and take it less personal and vice
versa.
In
addition, you will understand what they need from you. If you over load a guy
with a deep long conversation, it may
turn him off. Once you understand the secrets in what a male needs, you
increase your freedom in relationships. I am going to dispel the mystery now.
That way there is no guessing and you have simple steps to remember.
Secrets to Male needs
·
Keep it simple
·
Share information
·
Factual conversations keeps them happy
Secrets to Female needs
·
Listen and not
offer advice
·
Help them talk
it through
·
Make them feel treasured
Now,
when we use these secrets and bring in intimate talk we have many ideas flowing,
now don’t we. We must learn the opposite sexes language as if they are speaking
Vulcan
and not English. The bullet points above are a simply guideline, but
when a woman needs to talk to a guy there are ways to get him to listen the way
she wishes too. Using the ‘I’ statements.
Example:
“I had such a tough day at work today
with my co worker. I really need to feel better and it would help me so much if
you could listen to discuss what happened. I promise you don’t have to fix it,
but listening would be such a gift right now. You are always good to listen
when I need! Would that be ok?”
Now a
guy has clear instructions what you are needing from him, so he can listen to
you AND give you what you need. Without this simple asking for your needs, a fella would tune into his natural advice giving nature and interrupt with
his solutions.
(FYI, when a guy is offering advice this is HIS way to
show you how much he cares. Yes, truly
this is! So remember this next time he does.
This is part of listening to what he IS saying!)
This
can be very hurtful to a woman and resentment will start building in a
relationship. All due to misunderstanding
each other. When this conversation is over a woman needs to thank him for listening (clearly) so he
feels appreciated for his listening skills and helping you. This will make him
feel successful! This is the happy ending for both in this situation.
“We” Statements
“Wesley
Burr (1990) suggests adding we-statements to the communication process. We-statements
place the problem in the group or relationship, rather than on one of the
individual in the relationship” (Cox, 2006).
Here
are a few examples of We-statements in an intimate relationship:
You-statement – “You’re not giving me enough
affection” (Wrong no matter how you slice it!)
I-statement – “I am not getting enough
affection” (Can be heard as blaming)
We-statement – “We don’t show each other
enough affection” (Cox, 2006).
When
you read these you can feel how much different they come across especially when
read aloud. Try it right now, read them out loud? By making the we-statement it
takes any blaming of one person out of the equation and leaves much room for
wanting to improve.
Do you see the difference?
Sex Talk
When a
couple has been together for some time, their sex life can become routine and
the spark starts drifting away a bit. You
know each other’s hot spots and don’t spots. Contrary to common belief, sex
talk does not always take place in the bedroom during ‘the moment’ unless you
are speaking of the love making happening there.
If you
have different things you wish to discuss about your sex life, especially more
sensitive topics, it needs to be in a much less vulnerable place, but still
private for the couple. Learning about the differences between men and women
will help you greatly during this process. Talking helps a woman create true
connection and intimacy with their partner, so being able to talk about
anything will help her be more open to you.
Have you ever heard this saying, “Foreplay for a man starts 24 seconds before intercourse, but for women
it starts 24 hours!”
…..This
statement speaks volumes for understanding women and what we need to be more
sexual and inviting. We need romance and caring before the bedroom. Your true intimacy and passion starts outside
the bedroom! The sooner a man realizes this, the better chance you have at
keeping a strong and fulfilling sex life in your relationship. Just think back
to dating, when you were romancing your sweetie (for the men here)…. You did
many things that made her feel treasured
and this should never stop in an intimate relationship. Otherwise, the spark
would slowly flicker out and the passion right along with it.
A
relationship coach can help you with tougher conversations with your partner if
needed. Sometimes a person still doesn’t feel confident enough to talk about
wanting more sex or less sex in their relationship OR asking how they are receiving it. In addition, some people have
some fears about this area too. A coach can help you construct this
conversation in no time and offer you support before and after. We would be happy to make a referral, just send us an email!
A woman
is warmed up by a mans words of care and
understanding about what you love about her. This is not wrong or weaker,
but just a woman enjoying her feminine side. She needs to be romanced for the
old saying, “Wined and dined before the
bedroom”… Even if it is non-alcoholic wine, she needs to be wooo’d! ;) She connects deeply with your words and your
actions. For a fella, he simply believes his actions are enough. So fella’s
listen up, you must bring your thoughts to life while keeping your actions
strong. Well that is another difference
between men and women.
The
bottom-line is, again, using the ‘I” starters in conversation and remembering
the Clear Message Method of speaking. With
both of these golden tools, your communication can open up your relationship to
so much more bonding and deepening of the love which in turn can heat things up
in the bedroom for years to come.
ASK for what you want with intimacy! As much as we would love it our partner cannot read our mind and....that is probably a good thing at times.
Once you break the ice of this conversation it will be easier and your intimacy and sex life will get better.
Fella's get out your Romance Skills and get creative.......Your lady wants to hear the words and the effort of your love.....
Women look for the actions your fella's are doing for you. They see it as a way to show they care, so appreciate this fully.......
(There is still one more
communication skill of Body Language that we will touch on
in module 4. It is not solely used for family talk, but we want to keep your
learning curve on a good level of retaining, so we do not want to overwhelm you
either. As you can see, so many skills simply overlap and help you understand
everyone in your life. This will make your happy world go round much smoother.)
Module #2
Food for Thought & Activation
You will use the
thought process we have taught you here and activate your skills, knowledge,
and more.......
Grab that blank journal and start writing...........
- Practice writing We-statements for your intimate partner. Write about 5-7 of them while leaving out any interpretation of blame.
“We need to make a date night soon. I always
love it when you plan a dinner date with me!” (You are giving him clear
guidance in a positive way to show him how to make you happy)
2. Take
the 3 points of each gender and list 3
ways each to fulfill each of them in everyday life of your partner. Sit back and dig in…Do both of these
genders since you have other people in your life to understand of the opposite sex.
Secrets to Male needs
·
Keep it simple – I can listen to what he is saying and be
just as black and white back without bogging down a lengthy conversation. …
·
Share information
·
Factual conversations keeps them happy
Secrets to Female needs
·
Listen and not
offer advice
·
Help them talk
it through
·
Make them feel treasured
3. What
has surprised you most about the opposite sex during this week? Continue writing in your journal until satisfied!
Module #3 Simulation
Take out your
blank journal and activate what you have
learned with these questions.
- You have a conversation you wish to speak to your partner about and a little nervous doing so. Use the skills you have learned up until now to write this out in a text document or your journal while reading aloud. If you are a male, remember you are writing to a woman and vice versa. Practice your skills and be specific in this assignment.
- Time to
role-play #1. Yes, you will be doing this aloud as it is the best way to
understand the feel of this
conversation. I will give you two options for this role-play. Role-play with
a friend to practice talking this
through aloud and give the friend the directions and your scenario in
#1, so they may give you different responses. (Hint Hint, you could "role-play" with your partner and make a game out it by playing different people")
a. Record it using FreeConferenceCall.com
and listen to the play back (I believe you can record this if you are alone on
the call. Whichever way is comfortable to you. The goal is this verbal exercise
of practicing your new skills. (Skype has Free recording features for two people. Google "Call Graph")
b. Or Simply Role-Play with your friend
- Listen to the play back of this role – play and answer the following questions on paper at length.
a. What did I do well?
b. What do I need work on?
c. What could have I said better?
d. What surprised me about this conversation?
e. Do I sound clear enough in any way? (if so, fine tune it)
f. Am I ready to have this intimate conversation or to spice up my intimacy with my significant other? If, no go back and redo until comfortable.
Take a break and reward yourself for another fantastic module of learning during this course!
Have a good rest of your week and I will see you in Module #4!
Hope & Peace,
Merna
Super Success Coach & Trainer
Resources
Cox, F. D. (2006). Human Intimacy: Marriage, the Family, and its Meaning. New York: Thomson.
Franken, R. E. (2007). Human Motivation. New York: Thomson.
